128. Four Powerful Principles, Pt 2: Your Questions Answered

[00:00:00] Matt Abrahams: I love our live episodes. One of my favorite things about Think Fast, Talk Smart is connecting with all the folks in our audience. It was so much fun to share in our previous episode, how to be clear and concise in our communication. And now you get to hear the questions and my thoughts on the answers from our audience.

[00:00:19] I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. 

[00:00:30] Jenny, I was so impressed with what you and the team do behind the scenes to tee up those questions. What was it like for you? 

[00:00:37] Jenny Luna: Well, in true Think Fast, Talk Smart format, we had questions coming in from all over the globe. So, it's really exciting to see the variety that our audience is wanting to ask, and of course, to hear your answers to those questions. So, before we get to those live questions and answers, I want to remind our listeners that this is part two of our live episode. So, make sure and go back to listen to the previous episode if you haven't already, that's where Matt shares his live presentation. Let's get into the audience questions. 

[00:01:08] We have a question, Matt, from Adrian Edder. 

[00:01:11] Audience: I'm calling from Bergen, Norway. You're the reasons for many changes in my life, so thank you very much for that. But to really ask relevant questions make me super nervous, because I think you're even more put on the spot than when you're on stage. So, how do you formulate relevant questions in such circumstances? 

[00:01:30] Matt Abrahams: Well, thank you, and I'm so glad that the podcast has been helpful to you. That means a lot to all of us that work on this. 

[00:01:35] You're right, coming up with questions in the moment can be quite challenging. So, what I like to do is I like first to think about what's the key issue I am looking to learn about. What are the things that I am questioning, or think would be useful for others to discuss? So, I try to focus on one area. So, I ask myself, what's the key issue, key idea I want to know about? And once I have that, I begin to think about what's the most concise and clear way to ask the question. So, I start by what's most relevant and important to me, or in some cases I ask questions to benefit others, and what is that key question? And then I think what's the most concise and clear way to ask that question. 

[00:02:20] Now, as somebody who gets to ask a lot of people questions in my role as the host of this podcast, I'm also thinking about how can I set the person I'm asking the question for up to help them? So, I don't want it to be challenging. I want to make sure that I give enough information that they can hook into it to begin their answers. So, for me, it's really a three-step process. I focus on what's the key issue. Then I think about what's the most concise way to ask that question. And then third, I think about what are the hooks or ideas that can help the person answering it to begin to answer the question well. So, it's a bit of a process, and I encourage you to practice this process. 

[00:03:01] Jenny Luna: We have had a few questions around the same theme, so Madeline Stokely, we're going to ask you to have your question answered by Matt, because a lot of audience members have been asking some version of this question this morning.

[00:03:14] Audience: My name is Madeline Stokely, and I'm calling from Harlem, USA. So, my question is, when you have group discussions and people get emotional about a topic and, uh, start to derail the meeting into this very emotional, hyped-up process. And you as the leader of that group needs to try to pull it back together, but at the same time, allowing, acknowledging that there is some emotion about the topic. So how, what are some advice to, to be able to manage that? 

[00:03:50] Matt Abrahams: Yes, and that happens very frequently. And in many cases, I think we want that to happen. We want people to be passionate about the things that we're talking about and the work that we do. But we do need to learn how to manage that. So, we want to make sure first that we acknowledge that emotion, it's really important. If we ignore it, we seem tone deaf and everybody else sees that because we hear that emotion. So, the first thing I recommend is acknowledge the emotion, but don't label it. So instead of saying you sound really upset because the person might say, I'm not upset, I'm frustrated. And now we're arguing over their emotional state. And that's not where we want the conversation to go. You might say, I hear you're really passionate about this topic, or I'm sensing a lot of spice here around what we've been discussing. So, you acknowledge that there is emotion in the room, and here is where I think paraphrasing really can help. So, you acknowledge the emotion and then extract from what is said, some kind of key issue or idea that the person is presenting and use that to get yourself back on track.

[00:04:56] So if we, Madeline, were in this situation, and let's say you were very passionate in invoking a lot of emotion on a particular point. I might say, Madeline, I hear a lot of passion in what you're saying, and your point about timing of what we're doing is really critical. In fact, I'd like to hear how others. So do you see how I acknowledge the emotion, um, I acknowledge your point, but then I take what we've just talked about and move it in a different direction. So, I believe it's about acknowledging the emotion without naming it, paraphrasing to bring you back to your point of view. 

[00:05:32] Jenny Luna: All right. This is another question that we've gotten a few different variations on. But Amal is asking about an audience hijacking a pitch or a presentation. 

[00:05:42] Audience: My name is Amal Gupta. I'm calling from Den Haag, Netherlands. I'm a sales guy and many, most of the time I'm well prepared for the customer meeting because there are multiple stakeholders in the meeting. I know their background, what they want, and I do my homework very well. But at times some of these guys come into the meeting very unprepared and then they hijack meeting with some technical point or a very minor issue, and boom, the meeting goes, and we miss those opportunities. Do you have any guidance? How do I control such audience? 

[00:06:17] Matt Abrahams: First and foremost, in those circumstances, I highly recommend setting some boundaries and expectations at the start. So, you might say something like, I'm really excited to share what our product does. I'd like the first two to three minutes to get through the high-level overview, and then I'm happy to get into an interactive discussion. So, by setting boundaries up front and hoping that people will actually listen and respect those boundaries, that should get you the opportunity to give some of your initial information and overview, your bottom line, if you will, so that you can at least ground the conversation in that.

[00:06:55] So setting a boundary up front can really help. And this helps in Q& A sessions as well. So, when questions are, when you're about to take questions, set a boundary for the type of questions you'd like. So, let people know you want a few minutes to just get the overarching idea across. And then, when people start bringing things up that are not targeted to what you want to say, here is where I think paraphrasing can be really helpful. You highlight what they've said, extract something from it that's useful, and then pull it back to your point. 

[00:07:27] So, it might sound something like this. I'm really excited to be here today to share about our product and our offering. I'd like two or three minutes just to give you an overview of what it is we do, and how it will help you. And then you give the overview, and then if somebody asks a question that's a tangent, you might say, that notion about that particular feature is important. In fact, in a little bit, I'll talk about how we address that particular issue more broadly. So, I take and acknowledge what I've heard, name it, and then I explain what I'm going to do.

[00:07:57] The reality is this, that if you don't take control, others in the room who get frustrated by these tangents and interruptions will actually have a negative view of you, even though you're not causing the problem. So, while we might think it's rude to interrupt or to pull people away from what they're saying, it's actually rude not to do it for all the other people. So set some boundaries, practice the paraphrasing, and I think it will help. 

[00:08:25] Jenny Luna: We have a question from Ash Sriraman. 

[00:08:29] Audience: I'm Ash. I'm actually in California, Santa Clara, the Bay Area, so pretty close to Stanford at the moment. And, uh, first of all, I just wanted to say congratulations on your book, I'm halfway through it, and it has been a total game changer. And I'm an avid listener of your podcast. My question for you specifically is, would you recommend the 'What, So What, Now What' structure in situations where we may want to give a more difficult message or a challenging message, unexpected news or unexpected results that our audience may not be very happy to receive? And if not, do you have any other structure that you might recommend? 

[00:09:07] Matt Abrahams: So, I believe that 'What, So What, Now What' could work very well in a circumstance where you're giving unexpected news or challenging news. There's certainly other structures you could use. But I could imagine if you needed to give somebody some news, maybe it's a diagnosis or maybe it's some kind of critical or constructive feedback. I think 'What, So What, Now What' works well. You start by giving the news what it is, explain why it's important, and then give directionality as to what comes next. Now, it may make sense to actually change the order a bit, perhaps leading with the ‘So What’ first, explaining the challenge or the value of this, and then explain what it is. But I use 'What, So What, Now What' in many situations where I have to give constructive feedback or challenging information. 

[00:09:54] There are other structures. A good one that might fit, that you might consider, is 'Comparison, Contrast, Conclusion'. You could come to somebody and say, we have a difficult situation, we could take it one way here, or go the other way there, or, ultimately, here's what I think is the best for you. So, I do think 'What, So What, Now What' is a good one there. You'll find, since you're just halfway through the book, you'll find in the latter half of the book a whole bunch of structures, some of those might be valuable to you. 

[00:10:21] Jenny Luna: We have a question from Aki Feng.

[00:10:25] Audience: This is Aki and, uh, I'm now dialing in from Tokyo, Japan. My question is, I'm currently working in a multinational tech company, and we have employees, uh, from all over the world. And sometimes we face challenges in communication styles due to cultural differences. So, would you please share any advice to, you know, ensure that we adapt those cultural nuances when we communicate with people from different backgrounds? Or in your mind, what are some ingredients in a successful communication recipe in a multinational with a very, uh, diverse audience? 

[00:11:06] Matt Abrahams: All right, well let me answer the second question first. So, I think there are several ingredients to a successful cross-cultural communication. First and foremost is empathy. Realizing that, uh, it's not about you, it's about others, and others have a different approach. And different approaches don't mean bad or wrong. We can be very culturally centered on our way of communicating. Beyond that, we need to make sure that we are repetitive. We need to say the same thing in different ways. So, I might make a statement and then give an example through a story, or I might show a picture or image. So, we have to repeat ourselves to make sure that the information is clear. 

[00:11:45] And then finally, we have to make sure that we listen well. We have to listen deeply to understand if our point is getting across and if anybody has additional concerns or questions. So those are the ingredients I think that are critical to effective cross-cultural communication. 

[00:12:03] Now, let me be very clear. Culture to me, doesn't just mean country of origin, although that is an important cultural difference. There are cultural differences within departments and divisions of companies. You all know in the companies you work with; your team might do something very differently than another team. They're generational cultural differences. The way my teenagers communicate is very different than the way that I communicate. So, culture looms large in a very broad way, and I would encourage all of you who are interested in culture to take a listen to the two episodes we did with Michele Gelfand, who is a colleague at the business school at Stanford. And she does amazing work in the realms of communication and culture, and I encourage all of you to listen in. Thanks for that question, and thanks for visiting us from Tokyo. 

[00:12:47] Jenny Luna: All right. We have a question from Elijah about introductions. 

[00:12:51] Audience: My name is Elijah and I'm calling from Nigeria. My question is about introduction. So, I want to know the ways in your opinion, how we can in practical terms, how we can get creative with our intros, you know, is basically that we can get creative either in our introduction.

[00:13:10] Matt Abrahams: Thank you for that question about introductions. How we introduce ourselves is critical because it sets people's expectations for who we are and what's important to us. And yet at the same time, it's sort of this ritual that we do meetings start with, let's go around the room and everybody introduce yourself. Instead of starting with my name, much like I think presentations and meetings should start like action movies. I think the way we introduce ourselves should do the same. So, when I introduce myself, I start with a statement that's very true for me, and then I say my name. So, I would introduce myself by saying, I'm somebody who's very passionate about communication. My name's Matt Abrahams and I teach at Stanford Graduate School of Business, and I host an amazing podcast called Think Fast, Talk Smart.

[00:13:54] So I start with some statement that's provocative, that allows me to say it in a way that conveys my interest, my passion, my concern. Rather than just stating my name, because you can't do that when you state your name. So how can you think about something that you could start with? Well, think about something that's important to you, that you're passionate about, that you're concerned about, that you do something with, and start as a statement or a question, and then say your name. And try it out, practice it with a few people and see what they say.

[00:14:25] But how we introduce ourselves sets expectations for the interactions that we have. So, I love that you're focused on that, and I encourage all of us to think about really interesting ways to introduce ourselves. So, thanks for that question, and I'd love to hear another question from some other part of the world.

[00:14:42] Jenny Luna: Let's call on Richard Farrelly, who has a question that we don't tackle that often. 

[00:14:48] Matt Abrahams: Okay, Richard, say your name and where you're from, please. 

[00:14:51] Audience: Yeah, I'm Richard Farrelly, um, from Melbourne, Australia. I'm on the president of the Australian chapter of the Matt Abrahams Fan Club. My question is, um, how do you manage, and this is a term I use, I don't know whether it's something in the States, a problem child in a group you're presenting to.

[00:15:09] Matt Abrahams: I was recently in Australia; I didn't make it to Melbourne. I was in Sydney, but I you're in a wonderful part of the world. Thank you for calling in. 

[00:15:17] Somebody who's challenging and difficult can be definitely an issue in our communication. And it really depends because or how the person's being difficult. Is it they're talking too much or they're not talking enough? Are they not prepared? Whatever. So, I want to give you two examples depending on the circumstance. 

[00:15:32] So if somebody just isn't doing what they should be doing, you need to give them constructive feedback. I definitely encourage you to listen to our episode on feedback with Kim Scott of Radical Candor fame. Kim is amazing and her advice I think is just pure gold. I would recommend being very clear in the feedback you're giving, again, 'What, So What, Now What' is a great way to do it. What is the feedback? ‘So What’ is why it's important? ‘Now What’ is what you expect to come next? So, somebody who's not doing something or not acting appropriately, giving that feedback in a timely, clear, concise way is important.

[00:16:06] Now, if you have somebody who's being a problem child because they're interrupting or they're over speaking people. A way to manage that is one of my favorite tools, which is paraphrasing. A paraphrase is where you extract something that they've said that's of value, comment on it and move along. So, let's imagine that somebody is just talking, talking, talking, and you're losing the attention of the audience and you're not on topic for your agenda. I might just highlight and say, the point you just made about cost is really important. In fact, cost is the next item on our agenda. So, I interrupt by validating something they've said very briefly, and then I pull the conversation away to be about something else. 

[00:16:50] To my mind, this is the most polite way to interrupt and get back on track. And if you don't do this, you're actually losing credibility with everybody else. We might feel, oh, that's so rude, but it's rude not to do it to everybody else. So, two different ways to deal with what you call the problem child that I hope can be helpful.

[00:17:13] I love interacting live with our audiences. Thank you so much to everyone who joined us for the live event. And to all of you who are listening in today. It was so great to answer your questions. 

[00:17:27] Jenny Luna: It sure was, Matt. And remember, we'd love to hear from you. Please send us a voice recording answering the following.

[00:17:34] What's the best communication advice you've ever received? Or share one concept you've applied from the podcast that has helped you in your communication. Send us the voice memos to thinkfast@stanford.edu, that's thinkfast@stanford.edu. Be sure to tell us your name and where you're calling from.

[00:17:52] Matt Abrahams: Yes, that's right. We want to hear from you. What's the best advice you've ever received regarding your communication and share with us anything that you've learned from the podcast that's helped you. 

[00:18:03] Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast from Stanford GSB. If you like listening to our live episodes, please listen to episode 78. This episode was produced by Podium Podcast Company, Jenny Luna and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out fastersmarter.Io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter.