177. Don’t Resolve, Evolve: Top 10 Lessons From 2024

[00:00:00] Matt Abrahams: At the beginning of each new year, I always make time to take stock of my goals and vision for the year to come. Rather than set resolutions, I create evolutions. 

[00:00:11] My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

[00:00:21] What an amazing year 2024 has been. On Think Fast, Talk Smart, we've had the opportunity to learn so many important and insightful skills to help us hone and develop our communication and careers. Like last year, I'd like to share with you ten ideas from this year's episodes that I am working on to implement in my own life.

[00:00:42] In what follows, I'll share the guest's name and episode number before providing a summary of the concept and how I'm trying to apply it. I'll start with the more recent episodes and work backwards. I hope this helps you to solidify your learnings and practice so you can evolve your communication skills and approach.

[00:01:02] Priya Parker, episode 175. Hosts of gatherings need to leverage generous authority. Priya shared so many useful tips for how best to bring people together and facilitate interaction that we couldn't squeeze them all into twenty minutes and created a Deep Thinks episode available on in our premium offering. A host or facilitators role is to balance warmth and strength by helping participants feel connected and protected, true collaboration, information exchange and ideation can take place. Many of us don't assert our authority in these situations because we want to be liked and don't want to offend anyone. 

[00:01:42] A lesson I learned long ago, the hard way, is that it is better to be respected than liked. When I over indexed on being liked at work, I was taken advantage of, I did others work, I avoided giving needed feedback, et cetera. I learned that focusing on being respected in gatherings, doing the hard work of facilitation, often led to people liking me in the long run, and our meetings, events, and trainings definitely ran more smoothly. 

[00:02:11] Priya Parker: Gathering is as much about power as it is about love or connection. And the first role of a host is to practice what I call generous authority. And generous authority is using your power for the good of the group to help it achieve its purpose. And generous authority has, as I see it, three parts when you're thinking about your role as a host. The first is to help connect your guests to each other and to the purpose. The second is to protect your guests from each other. And the third is to temporarily equalize them. What are the norms for how we do anything? 

[00:02:47] Matt Abrahams: For a recent workshop I led with folks who had very strong, diverse opinions, I went out of my way to set ground rules around speaking time and making sure participants acknowledged each other's ideas. For example, I requested that before contributing something to the conversation, each person should paraphrase what they heard from the prior participant.

[00:03:08] Robert Cialdini, episode 164. Pre-suasion. There are a few things we can do to help us be more effective in our persuasion. I loved Bob Cialdini's notion of pre-suasion, which refers to subtly directing people's attention to contextual cues, like website images or Zoom backgrounds, that prime people in the direction of our persuasive goal.

[00:03:34] Robert Cialdini: Attention, on the other hand, is the functional component of pre-suasion. It involves focusing people on, that is, putting them in mind of, one of those motivators before they encounter it in the communicators message. Let's take an example, there was a study of a wine shop in which the proprietor played either German or French music on the music system as visitors came in. Those who heard French music were more likely to buy a French vintage. Those who heard German music were more likely to buy a bottle of German wine. Because things German or things French had been made more accessible in consciousness and made to seem more significant or to have greater import for their decision because it was high in consciousness at the time.

[00:04:33] Matt Abrahams: When I schedule brainstorming meetings, I will always try to find a room that has large windows and lots of free space to move around. I'll also play uplifting instrumental music. These cues nudge people to be more open minded in their ideation and creativity by signaling we are in an open, free space.

[00:04:54] Jamil Zaki, episode 158. Trust loudly. The world today has grown more cynical, and it can be hard to be open and trusting with others. I really enjoyed chatting with Jamil about ways to foster trust and healthy skepticism instead of damaging cynicism. The one technique that stood out to me was trusting loudly.

[00:05:18] Jamil Zaki: When you put your faith in somebody else, it's important to tell them that you're doing so, and to tell them that the reason you're doing that is because you believe in them. You say, well, you know, I've been going through this. I want to tell you about it because I really trust you. That simple message has way more power than I think most of us realize. It's a gift to another person and makes it much more likely that they will reciprocate by stepping up and becoming trustworthy as well as strengthening the relationship. 

[00:05:46] Matt Abrahams: I now trust loudly all the time. I tell my students that I trust them to do the best work they can on their assignments. I tell my children that I trust them to make the best decisions possible in the situations they find themselves in. I believe trusting loudly empowers others. But additionally allows me to connect to them better. 

[00:06:07] Scott Dorley, episode 156. Design your environment. Scott really helped remind me of the importance of the environment's impact on communication. Thinking about the way the room is set up, in person or virtual, can have a profound impact on the communication that happens in it. The way the room is configured in terms of seating, access to the screen, the virtual backgrounds people show, all influence the communication that occurs in it. 

[00:06:35] Scott Dorley: The things we make in the space that we build into the space are communication. So at the d.school, most of our furniture is movable because we want people to think about how they're setting up their space. We spent extra money on bright red casters, you know, the wheels that go on the bottom of tables. So that people would notice that they're movable. I've done some work around here for different companies and we were working on a leadership training center. And one of the big things is they wanted everyone to be present when they came in.

[00:07:03] And so right as you walk in, there's a series of tiny little lockers and there's a ritual where everyone takes out their phone, opens up the locker, inside the locker is a plug, so you can charge it. You watch everybody else doing the same thing. So there's a little social pressure to do it. And then you go inside and nobody has their devices. And that's really communication. It's a ritual, it's a signal, it's a habit where I can see what you're doing, you can see what I'm doing. 

[00:07:28] Matt Abrahams: I have taught in the Stanford d.school building, and I really love how every time I walk in I need to set up the room. I have to be thoughtful about how the room configuration fits with the lessons I'm teaching. Many years ago, before I knew of Scott's work, I would leverage layout to help me. After leaving my professional career in high tech, I taught high school for two years. My principal really challenged me by giving me freshman, first year students, right before lunch and right after lunch. Students of that age are exhausted right before lunch. They've gone many hours of studying without eating or drinking or seeing their friends. And after lunch, they're all hyped up because of what they've had in terms of sugar and seeing their friends. I would change the room configuration to help me. Before lunch, my classroom was a circle, where everybody could see everybody else. Really hard to fall asleep. After lunch, I had everybody sitting in rows where they had to be quiet in order for me to hear everybody speak. 

[00:08:33] Irv Grousbeck, episode 148. Brevity conveys conviction. We all have the tendency to say or write more than we need to when we speak. We often take our audiences on a journey of our discovery of what we want to say as we're saying it. This often can lead to too much detail, too soon, long lists of information or a data dump. By taking the time to be strategic and purposeful in our communication, we demonstrate our focus and care for our audience. 

[00:09:05] Irv Grousbeck: It is really hard for students to be brief, especially when they're uncertain and nervous about the context and the person on the other side of the desk and what they're saying, they tend to be elliptical, to repeat themselves. Brevity conveys conviction. 

[00:09:26] Matt Abrahams: Irv's advice is so critical in a world where attention is our most precious commodity. Anyone who has listened to me or read what I have written knows that I am a huge fan of structure to help focus and make our communication crisp. While there are myriad structures to use, my favorite is what, so what, now what. These three simple questions allow us to quickly craft concise content that is immediately relevant and respectful of our audiences. I try to apply this in every communication situation. 

[00:10:02] Michele Gelfand, episode 142. Mind your metaphors. The words we use matter deeply. They help frame how we see situations and how we act in them. Something as simple as framing a challenge as a problem to be solved or as an opportunity to be captured affects how we position and act on the challenge. I remember when my son asked if I would help him purchase a new car. I said no. But that I might help him buy a used car. He spent a few minutes looking online for a used car and he came back and said he couldn't find any used cars. Only certified, previously owned vehicles. Same piece of junk car, but you can charge a lot more because it is certified, previously owned.

[00:10:49] Michele Gelfand: Those metaphors really affect how we behave. And so we really should be mindful of the metaphors we bring to the table, because sometimes they can be mismatched. We don't want to bring a very cooperative metaphor about dating to a distributive one issue task type of negotiation, that's really ineffective. Likewise, we don't wanna bring a sports or battle metaphor to a very integrative, multi-issue type of negotiation. And so it's really about minding our metaphors and even creating a shared metaphor with our counterparts. What are we doing here? Creative puzzles, solving types of metaphors really are very constructive in this regard.

[00:11:19] Matt Abrahams: I try to be mindful of metaphors when I have to negotiate with my kids. Rather than gearing up for a battle, I now look at it as a puzzle to be solved, which invites me to be more creative and open. 

[00:11:32] Dana Carney, episode 137. Take space with words. One of the ways we humans demonstrate our power and status is through how we use the space around us. Leaders tend to spread out more with their bodies, put more stuff in front of them, and sit farther away from the camera when virtual. All of these signal power and status. There's another way to spread out as well that Dana shared that I really liked. Speak more slowly and deliberately. This in effect takes verbal space.

[00:12:07] Dana Carney: Another one is expansion. And I don't just mean with your body. I don't just mean taking up physical space with the bubble that's around your body. I mean expansion in all kinds of ways. So taking a longer time to say what you're saying. If you take more time, you're taking up space. So you see, there's a number of ways of taking up space. You can do it with how much you speak, how slowly you speak physically, like spreading your body out in a way that feels comfortable. 

[00:12:39] Matt Abrahams: I encourage everyone listening to speak a bit slower and pause a tad bit longer when you're trying to make your points and exert influence. I have found speaking slower, longer, and even lowering my volume really grabs attention and emphasizes not only my authority, but helps me get my points across.

[00:13:02] Julia Minson, episode 138. Use HEAR when in conflict. Even though I teach conflict management and listening skills, I still find it difficult to remain open and neutral, especially when I'm emotionally involved in the topic. I really found Julia's HEAR, H E A R approach helpful to getting me centered and focused. And everyone knows who listens to this that I love a good acronym. 

[00:13:29] Julia Minson: We use a framework that we call HEAR, and HEAR is an acronym, so H E A R. That H in here stands for hedging and basically words and phrases that show that you recognize that not every single thing is true one hundred percent of the time. So it's words like sometimes, occasionally, some people. It's words that introduce uncertainty. The E stands for emphasizing agreement, and the idea here is that even if we disagree dramatically about the thing we're discussing, there are some things we agree on. The A for acknowledgement is using your own words to show that you have heard the other person. And this is very related to paraphrasing. It's, I understand that it's important to you that blah blah blah, or you said X Y Z, or I hear that something something. You have to demonstrate what you heard. So, I hear that it's really important to you that you have the flexibility of working from home or working from the office on days that fit your family needs. And the R in here stands for reframing to the positive. And essentially what it means is avoiding contradictions and negations and using positively valenced words instead. So instead of saying, I completely disagree that blah, blah, blah, you could say, well, I think blah, blah, blah. You can make the same exact point in the positive frame instead of the negative frame. And so it just elevates the tone of the discussion a little bit so it doesn't spiral into negativity. 

[00:15:19] Matt Abrahams: I have found the HEAR method helpful for all of my difficult situations, but I find it most useful in my personal and family communication. My wife appreciates when I slow down and really listen, and I find my kids share more. I am a big believer in HEAR. 

[00:15:38] Jeremy Utley and Kian Gohar, episode 134. How to chat with bots. I'm very intrigued by AI and how it can help with our communication. But I'm a novice at leveraging AI's power. I found it fascinating that the best way to maximize AI's value is to engage it in conversation, a back and forth with requests, feedback, and questions.

[00:16:03] Kian Gohar: We actually think it's a lot better if you start interacting with these large language models through conversation, through spoken audio, rather than just trying to type it into a search engine box and trying to figure out the exact right prompt. The second thing is that you should be uploading your prompts with audio messages, voice messages, and talk to it just like you would talk to a friend. So whether you're talking to a friend about a particular problem or talking to a colleague about a particular problem, just record it literally on the phone, on audio to text, and then the large language model will transcribe that and then offer out some suggestions. And then the third thing I'd say is think about using different models. There are several different kinds of large language models that you can use from ChatGPT to Claude to Bing and to others. And they all have their different flavors and different kinds of personalities. 

[00:16:56] Matt Abrahams: I have moved away from using my laptop and a keyboard to interact with AI. I now interface with AI using voice over my phone because I'm more comfortable and used to having conversations over my phone. I find the output of my AI conversations to be more detailed and focused. And often more immediately helpful to me. 

[00:17:17] Huggy Rao, episode 131. Avoid jargon monoxide. Many of us suffer from the curse of knowledge and passion, which leads us to use acronyms, technical terms, and jargon that can get in the way of us clearly getting our points across. If our audience is confused or unsure, not only are they distracted in the moment, but we might miss long term, critical knowledge exchange. The only antidote for the curse of knowledge, and the jargon monoxide that can come from it, is empathy and curiosity. We need to be curious enough to think about what our audience knows, and empathetic enough to do something about it.

[00:17:57] Huggy Rao: When you think of jargon monoxide, first of all, you're talking of a specialized, impenetrable vocabulary. Like monoxide, it suffocates thought, it suffocates conversation, and it really leads to a lot of silence. And that's the problem in organizations, making simple things super, super, super complicated. And unfortunately we have perverse incentives to mystify things. And so what we need in organizations is simple language. I mean, for me at an organization of scale, the first test is, can a ten year old get it? Let me give you an example of what I mean. So you could say, we want to foster superior customer service. People are thinking like, what the hell does that mean? I don't know what it is. How do I get hold of it? So you could say that, or you could tell the employees, hey, when you do something, make sure you try and put a smile on a customer's face. Now, what's easier to understand? So to me, that's the jargon free, easy, experiential communication. We need to de jargonize companies, make things simple. 

[00:19:08] Matt Abrahams: When I write an article or a book chapter, I now submit it to an AI tool and ask the tool to identify terms or jargon for a specific type of audience that I'm conversing with. This approach has helped me to define things that I might have overlooked.

[00:19:23] Well, there you have it, the ten concepts I am actively working on to hone and develop my communication and career. These serve as the foundation for my 2025 evolutions. I am incredibly excited at the thought that each of us in our global listener community is simultaneously working to think fast and talk smart in the new year.

[00:19:46] Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about my topics from 2023, please listen to episode 120. This episode was produced by Ryan Campos and me, Matt Abrahams, with thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts, be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended Deep Thinks episodes, AMAs, Ask Matt Anything, and much, much more. Visit fastersmarter.io/premium.