327. The Human Reset: Reclaiming Authenticity in the Age of AI

[00:00:00] Matt Abrahams: In a world where AI can polish and perfect our communication, the ability to communicate spontaneously on the spot not only demonstrates your humanness, but gives you an advantage in your personal and professional life. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Today you are in for something a little different. In celebration of the release of an updated version of my book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, I'm taking on a new role. I'll be the guest, and my friend Lorraine K. Lee will join me and ask questions about the content of my new book. You might remember Lorraine from episode 202, where she talked about her great book, Unforgettable Presence. Also, you can see us together in my MasterClass Certification Course on Strategic Communication. So let me move over and be a guest and welcome in Lorraine. 

[00:01:00] Lorraine Lee: All right, Matt. Well, thank you for inviting me to grill you today. I'm so excited to be back, sitting in the host chair this time. Are you ready to dive in?

[00:01:08] Matt Abrahams: I am absolutely ready. A little nervous, but, and very grateful for you taking the, the chair, and I'm excited for the conversation. 

[00:01:15] Lorraine Lee: Of course. Same here. So I read your two new chapters, uh, and emailed you very excitedly afterwards letting you know how timely they both are. You talk about how to handle spontaneous conflict and also how to remain human in a world of AI. So today I'd like to discuss the AI chapter. You said that AI has created an authenticity crisis. What do you mean by that, and what are some of the consequences that we're seeing from that? 

[00:01:40] Matt Abrahams: We no longer can be assured that when we see a communication from someone, that it came from them. Many people are using AI to polish and perfect their communication. So this authenticity crisis is really about who generated the content. Can I trust that it's you, and can I trust that it reflects your knowledge, your experience, your critical thinking? And that's really what's at risk. I am absolutely for using AI to help us in many ways in our communication. But when we outsource all of the deep thinking, the critical thought, the reflection, that becomes problematic because we don't have that depth of knowledge.

[00:02:18] The experience of thinking through our messages is really, really important. So the consequences, to get to your question, could be very dire. And we're seeing people change their behavior because of it. Employers are asking people to come in person for interviews because they wanna know that you actually said it. You don't have your AI up on the side when you're virtual. We know in exams in universities and high schools, they're doing more in person. They're bringing back the old blue books that I had when I was,

[00:02:47] Lorraine Lee: Oh, are they? Okay. 

[00:02:48] Matt Abrahams: Yeah, when, when I was in school, because we wanna see that that's original content. So AI can help us in so many ways, but it also leads to this crisis. And all of us can be better served by making sure that we are adept at communicating in the moment, in high-stakes situations, without relying on AI. It will become a differentiator and really help us to be more effective. 

[00:03:13] Lorraine Lee: I 100% agree with that. And I was just talking to a senior leader the other day, and he said, "I..." He said, "I don't trust anything that's written. I need to see you live. I don't know what was made with AI. Like, what part was your thinking versus AI?" So yeah, that, that really resonates. So to remedy this crisis and show more of our humanness, you developed a framework you call TRUST. Can you walk us through that framework and give us some examples? 

[00:03:37] Matt Abrahams: Absolutely. Anybody listening or watching knows I love a good framework. And I know you do too. Your book has lots of good ones that I follow, uh, on a regular basis. When we live in a world where authenticity is in question, we need to know that we can trust what somebody is saying came from them, that it's human created. So this framework provides us with five specific skills or actions we can take to, to demonstrate humanness, that, that we actually originated this information. So let me walk through the various steps of TRUST, T-R-U-S-T. To come off as authentic, you need to be trusted, and we can put trust into practice.

[00:04:18] The T is for starting with a truthful foundation. Ground your message in your lived experience, offering specific details and examples, delving into the emotions that accompanied them. I might say something like, uh, "I'm really self-conscious when I had to share that." By revealing that information, that's something that an AI tool couldn't do. The R is for real-time processing of ideas. AI just gives you a final output. You can verbalize what you're thinking in the moment, revealing your internal processes and signaling to others that you're originating content on the spot.

[00:04:55] Phrases like, "My first inclination is," or, "Let me think about," and, "I remember when," brings listeners into the workings of your mind. The U stands for utilizing tailored, detailed, local evidence to support your logic and, and make it relevant. AI offers backing for its conclusion, but it tends to be very generic and flavorless. You can present stories, data, or testimonials that might be a little quirky or, or off, and those speak to your own unique lived experience. I might share how this new store layout is like that first store I ever visited or remember visiting as a kid.

[00:05:38] That's insight that really stands out as human and personal. The S is for showing your unique speaking style. Until very recently, I used to tell my students and clients to work on eliminating things like verbal tics that didn't add anything to the message and, and were potentially distracting. In the age of AI, these tics do add something, a sense of humanness. Our imperfections reveal that we're human. Now, don't go overboard on your ums and uhs, likes, I means, okays, but, but you don't need to stress about them as much either. This verbal graffiti signals that you're authentic.

[00:06:13] And finally is T for tipping off the audience to your perspective. When sharing information, provide commentary in a form that's unique to your thoughts and insights. When describing a new process or innovation you made to a boss, you might say something like, "This was the most challenging but fun solution I've had to work on in all the three years I've been here." By leveraging the T-R-U-S-T of TRUST, you demonstrate authenticity, you demonstrate humanness, you connect, and you let those you're speaking with know that you're human and these are your thoughts.

[00:06:48] Lorraine Lee: Love that framework, and I think the one that really resonated with me was when you were saying, "Oh, it's okay to add some of those verbal tics back." Similarly, I'll have people say, "Oh, I saw a typo in the email. I know they spent the time to write that instead of just putting it into AI."

[00:07:00] Matt Abrahams: Isn't it funny the things, the things that used to bother us now actually are proof of human that, that we're who we are. And, and I personally feel the pressure removed a little bit. And the people I coach and teach feel much more relaxed. So I believe TRUST helps you not only trust in yourself but helps give other folks that sense of confidence that you're really who you are.

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[00:08:25] Lorraine Lee: Another really interesting idea you talk about in your book is the empathy paradox, and you make this really interesting point about how AI can erode or enhance empathy depending on how we use it. Can you talk a little bit more about this and perhaps why we should be a little bit concerned?

[00:08:41] Matt Abrahams: Yes. So empathy is so critical in communication. In fact, some people who study communication believe the whole purpose of communication is to serve as a tool for empathy. Empathy is how we connect, how we learn, how we transmit meaning and emotion, and AI can help us. It can actually enhance our empathy. So imagine I'm going to interview with you. You're the hiring manager. I could look you up online. I could say, "I'm speaking with Lorraine. Uh, I know she, she works for this company. She's been for, there for this long. She seems to be very focused on delivery of results.

[00:09:17] Help me come up with some ideas about how to present her." I'm not asking for a script. I'm asking for the AI to be a thought partner to help me really learn more about you. So in this way, it's enhancing my empathy. The other side of AI, though, could be I, I could simply outsource all of my most challenging communication. Let's say I have to give you a performance review where there's some constructive feedback. Or perhaps I, I have to let you go, lay you off. Uh, I could just have AI craft that message. I could put it in an email and send it, and, and that's it. But if I do that, I actually lose out on the, the skill building that empathy actually helps.

[00:09:56] Empathy's a muscle. We have to build it. I have to go through that thought process. How would I feel if I were laid off? What would this mean for me if I received this constructive feedback? And it is in that processing that I become better in my communication and ultimately better in my relationship with you. So if we outsource all of this to AI, we actually have empathy atrophy, where we lose that ability. So we have to rely on AI for where it can help us as a thought partner or role play and avoid just simply outsourcing the most challenging communication. That's that challenge. That's that, that paradox that we have to navigate. 

[00:10:33] Lorraine Lee: I really like what you said about how we have to practice empathy. It's a muscle.

[00:10:38] Matt Abrahams: Absolutely. 

[00:10:40] Lorraine Lee: So I, I wanna build on this. You highlight three specific ways to use AI to increase empathy, so using AI as a training partner, maybe as a collaborative teammate, and as a communications coach. So can you tell me about a specific situation where perhaps you've used AI in one of these capacities?

[00:10:56] Matt Abrahams: Absolutely. So I had, uh, a big initiative I was trying to get started and successfully have gotten started, and I had a big meeting with the decision-makers and the people who I needed to get to support it, all lovely, wonderful people who I knew. And I used AI to help me in preparing for this meeting. I gave some characteristics of some of the people in the room in terms of where I thought their perspective would be. So there was a financial person involved. There was a person who was doing strategy. And I actually role-played with AI my presentation. So I spoke it out to the AI.

[00:11:31] And I had the AI give me feedback from the different perspectives. And it was very illuminating. A couple ideas came up I hadn't thought of, and a couple of connections came up that I also hadn't really registered, and I was able to combine them together. The success of my presentation, I believe, was a, a direct result of the feedback the AI gave me, but more importantly, the thought process I had to go through after I got the feedback. So it's not enough just to take the feedback in. It's, it's that reflection that can really help. So that was something that, that I used and will continue to use as I bring forward new ideas in any capacity, in any of the roles I have.

[00:12:10] Lorraine Lee: I think you make a really important point about you get that feedback, but you do need to process and you need to know, like, does this actually make sense? Do I wanna address this? Do I wanna incorporate this? And again, that's that muscle where you are tapping into the human side of things, practicing your communication skills. If you let those atrophy, as you said, you're not gonna be able to discern when AI gives you something, whether it makes sense to act on. 

[00:12:35] Matt Abrahams: Yeah, AI is, is one form of input, and we need to reflect and build it and put it into the other forms of input we take, including our own reflection. 

[00:12:43] Lorraine Lee: Going off of that, uh, meeting example, you offer some really specific ways to use AI, some of which are very relevant to us in the workforce, uh, like simulating a meeting where you actively might anticipate some pushback from specific individuals. So can you talk more about how you would go about using AI in this way, and what does that look like in practice? 

[00:13:03] Matt Abrahams: So there are many ways to use AI. Uh, I, I'm a big fan, and we learned this from Jeremy Utley, who, who taught us that you actually have to have a conversation with AI. It's not an oracle that, that magically gives you results. So if you have a big presentation, if you are on a panel, if you have a meeting to go to, you can use an AI tool to role play. You can actually use the, the conversation mode where you're speaking it out and getting feedback. You can ask it to generate challenging questions for you. My MBA students are required to do this for one of their assignments, where they take Q&A, and they have to train the AI to ask them questions, and then they practice answering.

[00:13:42] Much like a boxer might have a sparring partner, AI can do that for you. You can also ask AI to give you feedback on the quality of your argument, the, uh, types of vocabulary. Are you using jargon or, or acronyms? It can highlight that for you. And after you've done enough of this over multiple times in different situations, you can go to the AI and ask for trends or patterns that it sees. So you can use it as a meta teacher for you. It could come back and say, "I notice that you often start every conversation with a question. Maybe you should try a story here." We aren't often good at seeing the patterns in our own communication, and you can have AI help inform you about those patterns. So there are lots of different ways to use it. Again, it is a partner. It is not a replacement. 

[00:14:33] Lorraine Lee: I really like the Q&A example because a lot of people get tripped up because they don't practice enough or they don't even think to practice for it. So this is a very nice, easy way to kinda get into that, that practice mode and, yeah, be, be more confident because you're coming in prepared now.

[00:14:49] Matt Abrahams: People so often understand that it's important to practice a big meeting presentation or a contribution, but they don't think to, to practice the dialogic, uh, Q&A part, and it, it works. It makes a big difference. 

[00:15:01] Lorraine Lee: I know you're going to cover this more in a future episode, but your other new chapter you added is about how to handle in-the-moment conflict. So can you give us a little preview of what we can expect? 

[00:15:11] Matt Abrahams: Think Faster, Talk Smarter is divided into two parts. There's the methodology, the seven steps now, and then the second part is all about applied situations where we have to speak in the moment: making small talk, answering questions, pitching in the moment, uh, fixing mistakes, making, uh, apologies. As I toured all around doing podcasts and, and guest lectures, the one thing people asked me about is, "How do you manage in-the-moment conflict and challenges?" We've all been there, where we're in the midst of a meeting and something flares up. We're having a conversation around the family dinner table and our uncle says something that sparks everything. 

[00:15:49] How do we handle that? And so I decided to put some effort into some research, leveraging a lot of the content that I learned from my many amazing guests, and really came up with a framework, not for what to say, but for how to prepare yourself for saying it. So let me just give a little bit of an idea of how people can be clearer in those moments. So the framework is called CLEAR, and let me walk you through it. C-L-E-A-R. And this allows us to stay calm and collected when things get spicy and heated. C is about checking yourself. You have to regulate your emotions.

[00:16:26] Take a beat and breathe. Many of us wanna respond right away and get tense. L is about listening. Listen with receptiveness. Try to avoid judging and evaluating. We so quickly advance to our point of view. We really have to receive theirs. Then E is for explore. Explore their perspective with an open mindset and neutral questions. A is where you acknowledge what you've heard before advocating for your position. Now, acknowledging doesn't mean you agree. It just means I heard you. And then the R in CLEAR stands for respond strategically.

[00:17:03] This is where you leverage a structure that I talk about in other parts of the book, like what, so what, now what, or you've heard many structures on this show. But the response part comes much later in the process. We have to do the initial work first. And if we do this, it helps us to be more connected and grounded. And the reality is, most of conflict that sparks in the moment is with people we're going to have future relationships with. So how we manage that conflict in the moment not only helps us address that issue, but sets the path for how we'll deal with issues in the future. So being CLEAR really does help. 

[00:17:42] Lorraine Lee: I think having a framework for a high-stress situation like that or a conflict situation is so important. Like you said, like, it's just our natural inclination to just respond right away or get upset. So you've given us a framework now where we can, even if we don't remember the whole thing, like, okay, we know there are some steps to think through before we react or respond.

[00:18:01] Matt Abrahams: And that's true with any framework. You don't have to institute every single step. You just have to leverage the ones that you remember and that can help you in the moment, and over time, you can add more. 

[00:18:10] Lorraine Lee: Yeah. Great call-out. So I also wanna talk about your AI Matt that people can engage with on your website, which I think is such a fun idea. I have thought about an AI Lorraine, but haven't, haven't done it yet, so I'd love to hear the story behind why you created AI Matt and how have people used it so far. 

[00:18:25] Matt Abrahams: I think an AI Lorraine would be fantastic. I will certainly use it. This is an organic thing that originated in one of my classes. I was teaching a class, and one of my students, Lucia, who is amazing, um, at the end of it said, "Hey, I think I can build that." We were talking about AI and how AI can help you, and especially with communication. When the issues pop up, they are salient, relevant right now. Coaching is wonderful, and coaching can prepare you.

[00:18:49] But sometimes things just happen in the moment, and wouldn't it be nice to get some advice and guidance? And so she was able to build, uh, AI Matt, and it's, it's my voice trained on all of my work. So that in that moment, you can get the, the advice you need. It works just like making a phone call. So you take out your phone. You, you dial a number, you get a text, you click on the link, and you're talking to me immediately. And people,

[00:19:13] Lorraine Lee: Oh, it's your actual voice. 

[00:19:14] Matt Abrahams: It's my voice. 

[00:19:15] Lorraine Lee: Wow. 

[00:19:16] Matt Abrahams: Uh, people have shared just wonderful ways in which it's helped. I'll, I'll tell you, my wife actually likes talking to it better than me. She says it listens better. Uh, my two sons have used it. They tried to make it do naughty things. And it didn't. So it, it's hopefully very safe.

[00:19:30] Lorraine Lee: It's foolproof, yeah. 

[00:19:30] Matt Abrahams: But really what it's trying to fill is that, that one area that coaching and teaching can't, which is I'm in this moment of high stress, high context, high relevance. What advice can I get? And you can get that advice 7 by 24 through the tool. It's a lot of fun. And people can try it out for 10 minutes free. Just go to fastersmarter.io, click on it, try it out. If you like it, you can do even more with it. 

[00:19:55] Lorraine Lee: Amazing. Love it. All right. You've inspired me. 

[00:19:57] Matt Abrahams: Cool.

[00:19:58] If you listen to Think Fast, Talk Smart, you know I believe communication is something we can all get better at. And getting better takes more than simply learning new ideas. It takes practice. That's why I love teaching communication essentials for work and life through Stanford Continuing Studies. We explore the communication challenges that show up in everyday life, how to be more persuasive, tell better stories, strengthen your presence, navigate difficult conversations, and connect with others more effectively. Along the way, you'll hear from expert guest speakers, learn practical techniques, and most importantly, have opportunities to put those ideas into practice. My goal is simple: to help you become a more confident, clear, and effective communicator at work and in your life. If that sounds like something you'd like to work on, I'd love to have you join me. Learn more and sign up at continuingstudies.stanford.edu/tfts. That's continuingstudies.stanford.edu/tfts. 

[00:21:01] Lorraine Lee: All right, Matt, so I mean, our time has flown by together. I would like to close out how you usually do by asking you three questions. So one I created for you, and the other two are the ones that you ask all your guests. Are you ready? 

[00:21:13] Matt Abrahams: I think so. This is, this is different being on this side of the table. But yes. 

[00:21:18] Lorraine Lee: I was excited to come up with these questions. All right. So the first one is, for someone who's wanting to use AI to become a better communicator, what is one action they can take today? 'Cause there's a lot we can do, right? So if you had to recommend the one thing, what would you recommend?

[00:21:32] Matt Abrahams: The first thing that I would do is I would immediately go to AI and share whatever the skill is you're looking to improve and ask for it to give you some suggestions about how to improve it. AI does a really good job of setting out plans and processes. Now, you might not agree or you might not wanna do the order, but I would start by saying, "Hey, I am somebody who really wants to work on improving my gestures when I speak. What are two or three things I should start doing right away?"

[00:22:01] And it might come back and say something very simple, say, "Hey, as you speak, uh, use descriptive gestures as you're talking." So if you describe something that's big, show big. If you're describing something that increases, show that. But it will be, do a very good job of giving you some initial steps. And then from there, you can get moving. What I find with my students and the people I coach is the first step is the hardest. And if AI can help you start that path you're gonna be in a better place. 

[00:22:27] Lorraine Lee: Something I like you did with that prompt as well is you were really specific with it, which is something I say anytime you're asking for feedback. So you're going to get a better response the more helpful input you can put in. 

[00:22:37] Matt Abrahams: Absolutely. The more specific the ask, the more specific the detail. 

[00:22:40] Lorraine Lee: All right. I'm excited to hear your answer for this one. Who is a communicator that you admire and why? 

[00:22:45] Matt Abrahams: I am somebody who loves comedy. And the comedian that I admire the most is Robin Williams.

[00:22:52] Lorraine Lee: Oh, great. Yeah. 

[00:22:53] Matt Abrahams: Not only was he incredibly well-versed, he was able to bring together lots of really deep, rich intellectual ideas. But he could do so in the moment and on the spot. And as somebody who has studied spontaneous communication, written about it, I am amazed at his ability. When I was younger, when I was in my late teens, I actually had an opportunity to see a show where he performed live.

[00:23:15] Lorraine Lee: Wow. 

[00:23:15] Matt Abrahams: And I, uh, I am kidding. This is absolutely the honest to goodness truth. Uh, my, my stomach hurt for two days afterwards I was laughing so hard. And I am convinced I only understood half the jokes. And most of his routine that night was made up. He had some stuff that he had prepared, but he engaged the audience and just, and it was amazing to see how he had the ability to connect ideas together, and he was able to just be really present. And those are skills that I really admire in people. And I was really, really impressed. And, and it, it's unfortunate that he's no longer with us, but I really admire his work.

[00:23:51] Lorraine Lee: Yeah. Well, how amazing you got to see him live. And last question, what are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe? 

[00:23:59] Matt Abrahams: The most frequent bit of advice anybody has given on this show is know your audience. It's all about your audience. We must be audience centric. Second, we have to be goal directed. Communication often strives towards a goal. We have to know that goal. And anybody who's listened to me knows the goal is three things. Know, feel, do. So have a, have your audience, be clear in your mind, have a clear goal, and of course, you have to have structure. If all you do is list and ramble, you are going to confuse your audience. You're going to reduce fidelity and put yourself at a deficit. So for me, it's audience, it's goal, it's structure. Those three things can help anybody, I believe, be an effective communicator. 

[00:24:39] Lorraine Lee: Plus 100 to all of that. So Matt, this has been so interesting, so enlightening, so fun to be able to be on the other side and, and hear all your insights. Um, your updated book is going to be so, so helpful. Thank you for sharing your expertise with all of us today, and for sharing your host chair. 

[00:24:55] Matt Abrahams: Lorraine, thank you so much for taking the time to join me here and for asking such great questions. You made an excellent interviewer. I really appreciate your time and thoughtfulness and, and all the best on your book.

[00:25:06] Lorraine Lee: Thank you. 

[00:25:07] Matt Abrahams: Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more from Lorraine, please listen to her episode 202. To learn more about what I discuss, please get a copy of Think Faster, Talk Smarter. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Alex McCarthy, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter.