Ask Matt Anything (AMA) 1: Trust, Paraphrasing, and Nonverbal Cues

[00:00:00] Jenny Luna: Hi, Jenny here. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Jenny Luna, the founding executive producer of Think Fast Talk Smart. Welcome to our first premium AMA, Ask Matt Anything. This is a preview and I'm excited to help you get some questions answered. Our Think Fast Talk Smart AMAs allow you to directly get your communication questions answered by Matt. 

[00:00:27] And as a Think Fast Talk Smart premium member, you can submit your questions on our premium portal. You'll not only hear your question answered, but you can hear all other premium members questions answered. For our general listeners, we will periodically run AMA previews like this one, where you will hear a few of Matt's answers to the AMA questions. So without further ado, let's bring Matt on to answer some of your insightful questions. 

[00:00:51] Matt Abrahams: Hey, Jenny, great to be here with you. Thank you. 

[00:00:55] Jenny Luna: First up, we have a question from Sumiko and they write, it is very difficult to listen to others opinions when we have strong opinions ourselves. Especially when it comes to senior leadership, who may not have the technical background to truly grasp a situation. Could you share your thoughts on how I can have more constructive discussions, get alignment, and move forward on a project before losing trust? 

[00:01:20] Matt Abrahams: First, Sumiko, thank you for the question, and trust is absolutely critical in all of our communication, so you don't want to lose that. I'm reminded of a skill that Charles Duhigg mentioned in episode 133, and it was called looping, something I call paraphrasing. What's really important in these circumstances is to demonstrate understanding, rather than agreement. So you want to show and share that you understand what the person is saying, even though you might not agree. So this notion of looping or paraphrasing is to actually speak back what you've heard. So you're demonstrating that you're trying to understand and the person can confirm, yes, that's what I meant, or that's not what I meant.

[00:02:02] So even though you might have some concern. Or you might have some challenges with the person or their position, demonstrating understanding is really important. If there's power differences and power dynamics, it's really critical to demonstrate that you've heard what they've said. And then acknowledge that's one point of view and suggest perhaps through questioning other points of view that might be more in line with what you're thinking.

[00:02:31] So instead of saying, I've heard what you said about this. Here's what I think. You could say, I heard what you've said about this. What are we thinking about this? So pose it as a question, that can be more appropriate, especially when they're power differences. So use this notion of looping or paraphrasing to acknowledge that you've understood what the person said, and then leverage questions as a way of getting your point across. And I think that will help you maintain the trust that you're looking for. 

[00:02:59] Jenny Luna: So it sounds like instead of maybe offering opinion, we could even frame that as a question in order to move the conversation forward and still be building that trust. 

[00:03:09] Matt Abrahams: Jenny, that was a fantastic job of looping and paraphrasing. Yes, that's exactly what needs to be done. What's the next question? 

[00:03:17] Jenny Luna: Thanks, Matt. I think everybody can benefit from that advice. Our next question is from Wendy, and Wendy writes, I recently changed careers from K through 12 teaching to a high impact nonprofit role. I've gone from teaching twenty people in a hands on classroom to leading virtual tech trainings for two hundred and twenty adults located all over the world. I find it easy to create the presentation based on your frameworks and my fifteen plus years of experience teaching, and I have received very positive feedback. But I want to get better at engaging a large, diverse audience on a webinar. Other than storytelling, what are some other communication techniques that I could use?

[00:03:57] Matt Abrahams: Well, Wendy, I think there's a special place in heaven for anybody who has taught K through 12. So first and foremost, thank you for that work. And congratulations on moving to a different career, but still teaching. So what you're really asking about is engagement. And to me, engagement is what I call sustained attention. It's hard to get people's attention. It's really hard to keep it over time, especially when you're virtual. I've written an article for Harvard Business Review on three major ways to engage an audience. Let me share those three with you and then I'll relate them to virtual communication specifically.

[00:04:35] The first is physical engagement. Get people doing something. I am sure you remember and learn as an elementary school or high school teacher that when you have your students do something, they're more focused on task and ultimately learn more. So where people's bodies go, their brains follow. So if you can have people writing things down, talking to each other, raising their hands, watching a video, all of those are physical engagement that help you keep your audience focused. Now you contrast that to mental engagement. And mental engagement is gained primarily in two ways. First, asking questions. When somebody asks us questions, our brains perform very differently than when they tell us something. We tend to get more engaged just when somebody asks a question, even if it's rhetorical, where we don't answer that question. So asking questions can be really useful. 

[00:05:26] So too is storytelling. Storytelling is absolutely essential. Human beings are storytelling machines. When I tell you a story, our brainwaves actually sync up. Charles Duhigg and I talked about this in the episode we did. It's called cognitive entrainment, where our brainwaves actually sync. So if you can tell a story, a brief relevant story, can be really helpful. And then finally, beyond mental and physical engagement, is linguistic engagement. And there are really two ways to do this. One is using people's names or the word you, any inclusive language pulls people in. When we hear the word you or our names, we pay attention.

[00:06:06] And then we also have time traveling language that we can leverage. I can take everybody into the future simply by saying, imagine what it would be like if. Or, what if we could, or picture this. That's language that takes you into the future and you begin to see it in your mind's eye. Similarly, I can take you into the past. I can say, remember when. All of that gets you engaged in a way just talking normally doesn't. So when it comes to virtual communication, you can use physical, mental, and linguistic engagement in what you do. I can have people typing into the chat. I can have them raising their virtual hands, using the reactions button. I can ask questions that they respond to through polls. I can show them something and ask them to think about what would that mean for you in the future? So you can combine these techniques, especially when virtual to have some success. But engagement is hard. I think you can leverage a lot of your skills as a teacher in school to your new role.

[00:07:05] Jenny Luna: Thank you, Matt. I think with everybody now on Zoom and in webinars, that advice will really help a lot of listeners. Our next question is from Naveen and they ask, how can I better control my body movements during conversations? I move my body, especially my head a lot, and I realized this after watching my recent office meeting recordings via Teams.

[00:07:27] Matt Abrahams: Yes, I really enjoyed my episode with Dana Carney. It was episode 137 where we talked a lot about nonverbal communication and it's so powerful. What I am so impressed by is that you took time to watch a video of yourself. That's always the advice I give people, that if you want to better understand your nonverbal presence, you need to record yourself and watch and listen.

[00:07:48] So take the time to record yourself and watch. And I recommend that you actually watch in a couple different ways. One, watch with no sound. Just watch. Then play it again, and this time listen without watching. And then finally to watch and listen together. Each time you will notice different things. Now, let's get specific about your particular issue. Head movement. A lot of people move their heads when they speak. They probably gesture a lot as well. A great way to slow down head movement, or reduce head movement, beyond just awareness, which is what the videos will help with, is to pull your shoulder blades down. If you pull your scapula down, it actually tenses up your neck, but when you pull those shoulder blades down, it tenses up your neck a little bit, and in order to move your head side to side. It's a more conscious effort.

[00:08:40] And in fact, it's almost like you're stretching. So you feel that little stressor against your neck and you're likely not to move it as much. So I'm not saying be rigid. I'm just saying pull those shoulder blades down and when you do that, it holds your head straight and makes it less likely that you're going to move your head around. So again, I applaud you for watching the video. Working on nonverbal presence can make a huge difference in how people perceive you. You can have amazing things to say, but if you say it in a distracting way because of your nonverbals, it actually degrades your credibility and your message. 

[00:09:15] Jenny Luna: Great. Our next question is from Gregg, and Gregg asks, when talking to people who are experiencing strong feelings, I tend to let that person dominate the conversation, even if I have strong feelings myself. How can I respectfully acknowledge my conversation mate's feelings while ensuring that my voice is heard? 

[00:09:33] Matt Abrahams: Emotions are tough. Especially when somebody has very strong emotions, positive or negative. What's important is to acknowledge the emotion. To have something very emotional happen and ignore it, I think shows you as tone deaf and can be very awkward. But at the same time, you don't want to name the emotion. Because you might get it wrong. I might say, oh, I'm sorry you're so frustrated. And the person says, I'm not frustrated. I'm angry. Well, now we're debating their emotional state and that's pulling us away from whatever the communication issue challenge is.

[00:10:04] So I might say, I hear you're very passionate about this, or I hear you have great concern, or clearly there's big emotion here. So I acknowledge that the emotion exists without labeling it specifically. It is. Totally okay to acknowledge the emotion and then share your emotion and position as well. This is where paraphrasing can be really useful. I might say something like, I hear you have a lot of passion towards this topic. The paraphrase then becomes a bridge for you to add your piece to it. 

[00:10:35] So I acknowledge the emotion, I paraphrase what I heard you say, I connect it to the environment, what else is going on in the room or the meeting, and then I connect my position to it. So your voice has equal weight in these conversations. And to allow somebody, because they are simply getting emotional, positive or negative, to dominate can be very restricting and not fair. So paraphrasing, I think, is the way that you move that forward once you've acknowledged the emotion. 

[00:11:05] Jenny Luna: We have one more question if you have time for it, and it's actually from me. I've recently started a new role and I think a lot about what we talk about on this podcast with status. So I'm having a lot of one on ones as I'm meeting new people in this new role. So I try to really lower my status when I'm in a meeting with someone of lower status. And I tried to up my status and seem more powerful when I want to be in a meeting with more powerful leaders. But where I'm getting stuck is when I'm in a meeting with both of those people. So what do you do in a meeting where there's lots of different statuses? How do you find the status to play to? 

[00:11:46] Matt Abrahams: That's a very challenging situation, Jenny. And first, congratulations on your new role. As you well know, we had a conversation with Jeff Pfeffer, who is an expert on power, Deb Gruenfeld, who also studies power, and Deb studies it from exactly the way you worded it. Which is, how do I act in that way? And power and status is something that we can play with, we can act with. I think for me, coming from a place of gratitude and listening is important. Because when you are the person of higher status or power, and speaking to a subordinate or somebody who's lower in the hierarchy, demonstrating listening is really a gift that you're giving them.

[00:12:22] And you're leveraging your power and status to listen. When you are dealing with somebody who is higher up in the hierarchy, listening is demonstrating your deference to them, but also saying that, hey, I want to be of assistance and help. So putting yourself in a position where you can listen, I think is really important. And it could be just by starting the meeting, assuming you're running a meeting, where you could say, I have an agenda that I'd like to cover, but first I'd love to listen to your perspectives on this topic to make sure that we address them as we go. And then start with the person perhaps who has the lower status or power or higher status.

[00:12:56] Listen, paraphrase, because again, paraphrasing is a way to signal that I've really heard you. And then you can begin the conversation after taking into account what they've said. Now, in terms of your body posturing, a lot of our status and power is signaled through what we do with our bodies. So it might be the case that with the person who is subordinate to you, lower in hierarchy or status, you might tilt your head, you might lower your volume a little bit. Those are all signs of deference to lower your status so the other person feels more comfortable. You might actually even leverage hedging language. 

[00:13:34] So instead of saying, we should do this, what do you think? You might say, I think we should do this. What do you think? You hear how that sounds a little lower? You might do exactly the opposite in the same meeting with the person of higher status. Where you sit more straight, with your head straight rather than tilted, you might use less hedging language and be more direct, and say, I really believe we should do this, when you're talking to the person of higher status and power. So within the given interaction, you're changing some of your nonverbal presence to be appropriate and match the expectations of those in the room. I look forward to hearing the results of your experiment. 

[00:14:10] Jenny Luna: Thank you so much, Matt. 

[00:14:11] A big thank you to Matt Abrahams. And thanks to all of our premium members who submitted their AMA questions. I wanted to add my thanks to all of you for becoming premium members. Think Fast, Talk Smart is all about building community and helping you hone and develop your communication and your careers. All of us here at Think Fast, Talk Smart believe that the global premium community we've created is a great way to achieve these goals. Please check out all of our Think Fast, Talk Smart premium offerings at fastersmarter.io/premium.